Caption Contest #315

(above image courtesy of newyorker.com.)

10. No, his cousin is the jolly one.
9. This spells the end of the going green movement.
8. I told you broccoli could end up being bad for us.
7. I may need to amend that whole “Don’t jump, you’ve got a lot to live for” thing I said before.
6. I told you we should have sold our General Mills stocks.
5. Marlene, I guess now's as good a time as any to tell you I’ve been having an affair.
4. Shoot, I left the roof key back in our apartment.
3. I would’ve guessed he was a vegetarian.
2. I heard The Morton Salt girl dumped him.
1. I thought we were coming up here for the Birds Eye view.

Caption Contest #314

(above image courtesy of newyorker.com.)

10. I’ll have what he’s having.
9. You say four out of five superheroes prefer this bar?
8. Excuse me, have you seen The Invisible Man?
7. I don’t work the Sabbath.
6. Uh…well I can juggle a bit.
5. Crime rate ain’t what it used to be.
4. All the mascots got laid off during the players’ strike.
3. I know what you’re offering helps me think I’m invincible, but deep down it just reinforces a complex of self-doubt developed in childhood.
2. If my wife calls, tell her I’m stopping a bank robbery.
1. Excuse me, bartender, someone just stole my truck, which was carrying a top-secret nuclear reactor, blood donations for the local hospital and toys for an orphanage. May I use your phone?

Caption Contest #313

(above image courtesy of newyorker.com.)

10. Notice anything different?
9. I’m calling it the Cape Cod ‘stache.
8. It’s almost long enough that I can donate it to Locks-of-Love.
7. Hey, Pete, turnaround—turnaround a second. Hey—hey, Pete…
6. And don’t give me any more upper lip.
5. This account is important. Think you can handlebar it?
4. Oh, is it December already?
3. Today’s lunch special is Spaghetti Mustache and Meatballs.
2. Good news! We got the Heineken Light contract.
1. Shave for the job you want, not for the job you have.

Caption Contest #312

(above image courtesy of newyorker.com.)

10. As a corporate attorney, I do more lyin’ than lion now.
9. It’s not about being king of the jungle, it’s about taking care of your cubs.
8. If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em.
7. Turns out killing a zebra is a crime in these parts.
6. I decided to stop sleeping 20 hours a day and make something of myself.
5. It’s a better gig than working for Siegfried and Roy.
4. I never believed in doppelgängers before today.
3. I’m afraid there’s nothing left for us to appeal.
2. It’s a jungle out there too.
1. Well I still have my pride.

(above image courtesy of newyorker.com.)

20. This is not going to work as an ottoman.
19. It’s genuine animal hide, alright.
18. With these high-def TVs it’s like everything’s right in the middle of the room.
17. I didn’t realize with commodities trading you were buying actual hippos.
16. How are you going to wear that Halloween costume in the car?
15. I think she looks more and more like your mother.
14. Well, you said we never do anything wild and crazy anymore.
13. I wonder how Tammy is doing at the Tanzanian exchange program.
12. OK, so maybe your big sister really is a witch.
11. To be honest, you don’t look anything like your online photos.
10. Frank, you’ve got to stop watching those home shopping channels when you can’t sleep.
9. In second grade, we took turns taking home the class hamster.
8. I fed her, Todd, so you are in charge of cleanup.
7. Are you sure Kim Kardashian has one of these at home?
6. I’ll make you a deal, Bobby. Change back into a boy and you don’t have to eat your asparagus.
5. No, I’ll tell YOU who’s about to be extinct.
4. Aw, Bill, tell me that wasn’t you.
3. Do you get the feeling we’re about to overrun with Greek soldiers?
2. Gesundheit.
1. Jacob, I told you if you kept it up your face was going to freeze like that.

Caption Contest #310

(above image courtesy of newyorker.com.)

10. Timmy’s and his friends’ guns look real, but they just squirt water.
9. Damn, you Mormons are persistent.
8. The Halloween party’s the next house over.
7. This war novel makes me feel like I’m in the middle of the action!
6. Timmy, come down here! And bring your cough syrup!
5. If they’re not selling Girl Scout cookies, tell them to go away.
4. Elian Gonzales isn’t here right now. He’s out with our illegal nanny selling foreign goods to immigrant day laborers.
3. Those windows are where your second amendment ends and my third amendment begins.
2. I told you they wouldn’t stop at illegal wiretapping.
1. It says here you have to shift the tank into neutral first.

Caption Contest #309

(above image courtesy of newyorker.com.)

10. I don’t think this is working out.
9. You’re totally gonna lose the fly catching contest.
8. Yup, I think she’s dead.
7. Lucy, you’re not singing your part.
6. This isn’t what I meant by the carpool lane.
5. How do you New Yorkers know to wake up at your own stop?
4. Open your eyes and steer, dammit!
3. Actually we’re here for the Librarian Convention.
2. If this is boring you, perhaps you should try the housing market.
1. Now open your eyes and the hiccups will be gone.