Caption Contest #316

(above image courtesy of newyorker.com.)

12. Can you get clip-ins for sandals?
11. It’s hard to pedal in these Snuggies.
10. It’s like riding on a cloud.
9. Welcome to salesmen heaven. What are you pedaling?
8. So is this, like, an infinity speed?
7. God’s going through a divorce, and he’s trying to buy our love this way.
6. No bells? No streamers? What a crock.
4. We’re not getting wings, but in this economy we all have to make sacrifices.
3. Mine’s a Trinity-speed.
2. I keep asking myself, was it worth not getting to ride a motorcycle in hell?
1. You were right. Turns out Lance Armstrong IS God.

Caption Contest #315

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10. No, his cousin is the jolly one.
9. This spells the end of the going green movement.
8. I told you broccoli could end up being bad for us.
7. I may need to amend that whole “Don’t jump, you’ve got a lot to live for” thing I said before.
6. I told you we should have sold our General Mills stocks.
5. Marlene, I guess now's as good a time as any to tell you I’ve been having an affair.
4. Shoot, I left the roof key back in our apartment.
3. I would’ve guessed he was a vegetarian.
2. I heard The Morton Salt girl dumped him.
1. I thought we were coming up here for the Birds Eye view.

Caption Contest #314

(above image courtesy of newyorker.com.)

10. I’ll have what he’s having.
9. You say four out of five superheroes prefer this bar?
8. Excuse me, have you seen The Invisible Man?
7. I don’t work the Sabbath.
6. Uh…well I can juggle a bit.
5. Crime rate ain’t what it used to be.
4. All the mascots got laid off during the players’ strike.
3. I know what you’re offering helps me think I’m invincible, but deep down it just reinforces a complex of self-doubt developed in childhood.
2. If my wife calls, tell her I’m stopping a bank robbery.
1. Excuse me, bartender, someone just stole my truck, which was carrying a top-secret nuclear reactor, blood donations for the local hospital and toys for an orphanage. May I use your phone?

Caption Contest #313

(above image courtesy of newyorker.com.)

10. Notice anything different?
9. I’m calling it the Cape Cod ‘stache.
8. It’s almost long enough that I can donate it to Locks-of-Love.
7. Hey, Pete, turnaround—turnaround a second. Hey—hey, Pete…
6. And don’t give me any more upper lip.
5. This account is important. Think you can handlebar it?
4. Oh, is it December already?
3. Today’s lunch special is Spaghetti Mustache and Meatballs.
2. Good news! We got the Heineken Light contract.
1. Shave for the job you want, not for the job you have.

Caption Contest #312

(above image courtesy of newyorker.com.)

10. As a corporate attorney, I do more lyin’ than lion now.
9. It’s not about being king of the jungle, it’s about taking care of your cubs.
8. If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em.
7. Turns out killing a zebra is a crime in these parts.
6. I decided to stop sleeping 20 hours a day and make something of myself.
5. It’s a better gig than working for Siegfried and Roy.
4. I never believed in doppelgängers before today.
3. I’m afraid there’s nothing left for us to appeal.
2. It’s a jungle out there too.
1. Well I still have my pride.

(above image courtesy of newyorker.com.)

20. This is not going to work as an ottoman.
19. It’s genuine animal hide, alright.
18. With these high-def TVs it’s like everything’s right in the middle of the room.
17. I didn’t realize with commodities trading you were buying actual hippos.
16. How are you going to wear that Halloween costume in the car?
15. I think she looks more and more like your mother.
14. Well, you said we never do anything wild and crazy anymore.
13. I wonder how Tammy is doing at the Tanzanian exchange program.
12. OK, so maybe your big sister really is a witch.
11. To be honest, you don’t look anything like your online photos.
10. Frank, you’ve got to stop watching those home shopping channels when you can’t sleep.
9. In second grade, we took turns taking home the class hamster.
8. I fed her, Todd, so you are in charge of cleanup.
7. Are you sure Kim Kardashian has one of these at home?
6. I’ll make you a deal, Bobby. Change back into a boy and you don’t have to eat your asparagus.
5. No, I’ll tell YOU who’s about to be extinct.
4. Aw, Bill, tell me that wasn’t you.
3. Do you get the feeling we’re about to overrun with Greek soldiers?
2. Gesundheit.
1. Jacob, I told you if you kept it up your face was going to freeze like that.

Caption Contest #310

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10. Timmy’s and his friends’ guns look real, but they just squirt water.
9. Damn, you Mormons are persistent.
8. The Halloween party’s the next house over.
7. This war novel makes me feel like I’m in the middle of the action!
6. Timmy, come down here! And bring your cough syrup!
5. If they’re not selling Girl Scout cookies, tell them to go away.
4. Elian Gonzales isn’t here right now. He’s out with our illegal nanny selling foreign goods to immigrant day laborers.
3. Those windows are where your second amendment ends and my third amendment begins.
2. I told you they wouldn’t stop at illegal wiretapping.
1. It says here you have to shift the tank into neutral first.

Caption Contest #309

(above image courtesy of newyorker.com.)

10. I don’t think this is working out.
9. You’re totally gonna lose the fly catching contest.
8. Yup, I think she’s dead.
7. Lucy, you’re not singing your part.
6. This isn’t what I meant by the carpool lane.
5. How do you New Yorkers know to wake up at your own stop?
4. Open your eyes and steer, dammit!
3. Actually we’re here for the Librarian Convention.
2. If this is boring you, perhaps you should try the housing market.
1. Now open your eyes and the hiccups will be gone.

Caption Contest #308

(above image courtesy of newyorker.com.)

10. I can’t help myself. I’ve got a sweet saber-tooth.
9. If our clan keeps eating these, we’ll never get anywhere.
8. Stale or not, these donuts are delicious.
7. Despite what they say, I’m glad you re-invented the donut.
6. Let me tell you my theory about natural selection before I have a heart atta--
5. I bet in some alternate universe, donuts are smaller and the women get pregnant.
4. My favorite are still the Pangea Cream-filled.
3. I’m all for hiding evidence, but maybe we should have thrown everything in the tar pit.
2. How are we ever gonna get the rest of these home?
1. I could use a pterodactyl-sized antacid right about now.

Caption Contest #307

(above image courtesy of newyorker.com.)

10. White people. They all taste the same.
9. Just stop it with the crocodile tears.
8. What did Jacques mean when he said he wanted to have us for dinner?
7. “See you later, Larry.” “After a while, Craig.”
6. You’d think they’ve never seen colored folk before.
5. It’s an alligator eat alligator world.
4. Shhh…I think they might be Seminole fans.
3. Shoot, this is the express! We missed our swamp.
2. Now that we’re here, I want to eat that Jared guy first.
1. There had better be other people in costume at this party.

Caption Contest #306

(above image courtesy of newyorker.com.)

10. The Hendersons have taken in-home gardening to a new level.
9. Honey, when was the last time you mowed the carpet?
8. “I may be bald,” said Richard. “But--word is born--I can still grow corn rows.”
7. Since the governor passed de-criminalization legislation, the Smiths started growing grass in their home again.
6. The stalks were hung by the Shipleys with care…
5. Suddenly the genie granted the third wish, that all the world had access to free food.
4. In this haunted house, even the floor has ears.
3. How about next we to go to the kitchen and watch the paint dry?
2. Now it’s down to two. And the winner is exempt from this week’s elimination.
1. I can’t wait until the harvest when I can watch TV again.

Caption Contest #305

(above image courtesy of newyorker.com.)

10. We lost funding from NIH. But NIMH is gonna love us.
9. No, it’s the Peromyscus Arthurus, after me!
8. Well, Paul, you said we were gonna hit it big.
7. Look out, here comes that cat again!
6. Please tell me that quantity of growth hormones is at the lethal dose.
5. Does anyone else think it looks a little too Walt, but not enough Disney?
4. What would Rick Moranis do?
3. Oh my God! He ate Dumbledore!
2. ‘Don’t push the red button,’ I said. But noooo…
1. OK, now are they too big to fail?

Caption Contest #304

(above image courtesy of newyorker.com.)

10. Did you leave your nail clipper? TSA’s been confiscating them.
9. What’s in your wallet?
8. No, Frank, it’s a VIOLINS symposium.
7. Did you take out the trash first?
6. Tell Ms. Bachmann I love her hair.
5. You got all that for opening a new checking account?
4. Honey, he’s just here to take our daughter to the movies.
3. You don’t have to prove anything. It happens to lots of guys!
2. How many Republican primaries did you pack for?
1. Be home by eight. We’re having tofu burgers.

Caption Contest #303

(above image courtesy of newyorker.com.)

10. It’s amazing how quickly the kids do their homework now.
9. Instead of Headhunter, let’s say I’m in the executive job placement business.
8. These days it’s the visual signals that keep our teenage son in line.
7. You’ve found an excellent place for that extra wastebasket.
6. We think it doesn’t work anymore, but we’re too afraid to test it.
5. We brought it to Antiques Roadshow, but the appraiser said it’s just a replica.
4. And the grapes from this French wine have been recently pressed.
3. Visits from salesmen have dropped off precipitously.
2. We hope you won’t cut Olivia from the cheerleading squad.
1. Isabelle goes to bed at seven. And I shouldn’t have to tell you, ‘No Boys.’

(Author's note: This week's might be a little below standard. And late to post. But my wife delivered our baby on Wednesday night!)

Caption Contest #302

(above image courtesy of newyorker.com.)

10. He’s my buddy, Holly.
9. Well, when you’re the boss’s son…
8. Anyone else feel like ordering Mexican?
7. Studies show layoffs go better when music’s playing.
6. Bill’s just been elected Office Troubadour.
5. They tried to make a leveraged buyout, but I said No No No.
4. It’s his therapist’s solution to keeping his hands to himself.
3. Bob’s expecting a mid-season crossover where Trump has us compete on America’s Got Talent.
2. If the Colts had won, you’d see Frank from Accounts Receivable in a tutu.
1. You’re right. We’re more of a ukulele company.

Caption Contest #301

(above image courtesy of newyorker.com)

10. More brainless suits.
9. Excuse me, janitors, which way to the head?
8. I thought that helicopter was flying too low.
7. This floor’s closed for cleaning. Didn’t they see the sign?
6. I heard Donald Trump got rid of all the heads of his company.
5. The managers who work here are so absent-minded.
4. The Mannequins Local 235 is on strike again.
3. These are the bodies of television’s talking heads.
2. I told you this company was full of dummies.
1. It’s not just the CEO. Everyone’s lost face because of the ponzi scheme.

Caption Contest #300

(above image courtesy of newyorker.com)

10. 'Hickory daiquiri, doc!' Good one! Man, you are ON today!
9. Would I lie to a bright guy like you?
8. What's on your mind?
7. I've figured out why your moods change so suddenly.
6. I didn't say anything about the Clapper. I said you have the clap.
5. The malignant cells never turn off, but it's an easy fix with this new technology.
4. Cranial tattoo removal happens to be my specialty.
3. I can see your b.s. detector is going off, but I can fix that too.
2. Do your children have access to permanent markers?
1. ...But I'm also a client. My new hair covers tribal ink I got at Woodstock.

Caption Contest #299

(above image courtesy of newyorker.com)

10. The whole family is columnists.
9. I must say, Maude, I've never seen erosion quite like this before.
8. At the New Yorker, even the dog gets his own column.
7. Charlie, get down off your soap-column.
6. What the artist meant to convey here is man's ability to transcend culture.
5. OK, now I'm willing to ask for directions.
4. Is there a chance that giant mouse you saw was just the robot vacuum?
3. We should have done this flashmob when there were more people around.
2. Well this is the most unusual Oscar party I've ever been to.
1. Simon says, "Flap your arms like a chicken."

Caption Contest #298

(above image courtesy of newyorker.com)

10. This is why I objected to the job exchange program.
9. In this here ballpark, we call it 'Freedom Food.'
8. Do you at least have the right cleats?
7. And Jacques, you'll be batting cleanup.
6. So are you from Puerto Rico or the Dominican Republic?
5. And I suppose your roommate is serving escargot with your catcher's mitt?
4. Abbott and Costello have some rewriting to do.
3. The champignon parmentier au gratin is fine, but I asked for sunflower seeds.
2. Stay loose, Guillaume. You may be pinch sauteing in the ninth.
1. And when Darryl gets here with his frog costume, we'll put him in the outfield to catch flies.

Caption Contest #297

(above image courtesy of newyorker.com)


10. Thanks for the lift. Mine conched out.
9. Can we stop at the Shell station?
8. Sure, it’s Palm-compatible. But I have an iPhone.
7. Are you sure the bus stops here?
6. How often do you have to change the coconut oil?
5. OK, the location’s not great. But you can’t beat this weather!
4. In my day, this was all horse-and-buggy, far as the eye could see.
3. Let’s move over to the leeward lane.
2. Move over. You’re sitting on my half.
1. Mr. Michaels, I’m from the IRS.

Caption Contest #296

(above image courtesy of newyorker.com)

10. A second date? OK. You are starting to grow on me.
9. I swear I wasn't looking up!
8. Sorry Ms. Hayes but Mr. Juran said no to a sequel.
7. A ring? Just let me get my spare tire and I'll propose to you right now.
6. No, that dress does not make you look big.
5. I said "Brobdingnag" not "Your bra's big, Nag!"
4. I just don't date any woman over fifty...feet.
3. I've got a cousin Gulliver who would love to meet you.
2. Why don't you put me back in my Micro-Machine and we'll pretend this never happened.
1. Lilliput me down.

Caption Contest #295

(above image courtesy of newyorker.com)

10. This one put up the best fight.
9. Going extinct, yes, but interestingly not on the endangered list.
8. Actually, the taxidermy cost me an arm race and a leg.
7. The story behind this one is riveting.
6. To be honest, she was the easiest to track.
5. In some cultures, the turret is ground and put in a soup.
4. You should see the Predator Drone mounted in the washroom.
3. Like you'd expect, tastes like chicken.
2. There we were, eyeball-to-turret.
1. I think this one was a male.

Caption Contest #294

(above image courtesy of newyorker.com)

10. We all use new laptops, but Kurt loves his oversized desktop.
9. Psst--Don't look him in the eye.
8. It wasn't the raise he was looking for.
7. Well, he's got big shoes to fill.
6. Frank was tired of people stealing all his pens.
5. Don't worry, he's not as tall in person.
4. The Stiltwalker King will see you now.
3. I'll be right back with a highchair.
2. He'll be down in a minute.
1. On the weekends, he's a tennis referee.

Caption Contest #293

(above image courtesy of newyorker.com)

10. What if Guinness doesn't validate this as the world's largest block of Swiss Cheese?
9. So you know how you always say you can take a good joke?
8. I thought she said the real treasure was in the dessert.
7. Can't you just plant Sequoia seeds?
6. Excuse me, is this part of the new Christo exhibit?
5. Don't worry. Twenty-seventh time's a charm.
4. You're in the lead, but be careful. Barry just broke the sewer main.
3. So this is where you're going to fake the moon landing?
2. I don't think this will teach Goliath's dog a lesson.
1. Your wife says never mind, they were on the dresser.

Caption Contest #292

(above image courtesy of newyorker.com)

10. That's Carl and Cindy--always looking down on us.
9. So much for "spacious skies."
8. Dammit, Martha, this cul-de-sac used to have privacy.
7. Looks like it's about to rain Kates and Dougs.
6. Why are the Millers always coming over unannounced?
5. Relax, they're Australian.
4. That cloud looks just like the Hendersons.
3. Gladys, what kind of mushrooms did you put in the salad?
2. Why you gotta be all up in my grill?
1. Pardon me, would you have any Grey Poupon?

Caption Contest #291

(above image courtesy of newyorker.com)

10. Today's doubleheader features a knight game.
9. With Lancelot's unique one-handed swing, pitchers tend to pitch inside.
8. In the minors, he was a switch jouster.
7. Dragon, the team's ace, is a real flamethrower.
6. Ye Oldtimers' Day is always a fan favorite at this ballpark.
5. Santiago's swing has looked a little rusty lately.
4. Today's elbow pads are bigger than they were in ye olde days.
3. This is Miller's first post-season appearance since 1132.
2. Frankly, I don't care for the old uniforms.
1. The Templars are hoping to break their three-game losing streak.